There’s A New Kink In Town. Should You Try It?
Q: Ashley is a 30 year old bi woman with a bi husband. They both enjoy what she’s called, “unconscious kink” where she pretends to be unconscious because he wants to have sex with a woman who is. Lately she has escalated this kink play by voluntarily taking sleeping pills. So, she is asleep while he bangs her, and then he takes video to show her everything that happened later. The important thing is that she willingly consented to this.
She chose to tell her best friend about it. Her friend was horrified and told Ashley that she is being abused and that her man is a rapist because she can’t consent while she’s unconscious. But Ashley consented before, so is this a problem and should she be concerned?
A: Our Dr. Cooper said: This is a complex kink, Ashley, because historically, men with Somnophilia, thats the kink where a man wants to have sex with a sleeping woman, has been known to be predatory and extremely rapey. This is what Bill Cosby was doing to the women he raped. It’s considered a crime because once you’ve been knocked out, the sex is not something that can be consented to. So, I think that’s what your friend was referring to because that’s probably all she knows about it.
A Newer Kink Has Emerged: Consensual Somnophilia
This consensual kink probably needs a new name that isn’t affiliated with criminal behavior. Now termed, “Consensual Somnophilia” researchers Deehan and Bartels found that there are many couples who engaged in this behavior. And for people like you and your husband, it was reported that giving prior consent to a partner required a high level of trust and mutual interest in the behavior. As you guys are doing. Therefore, I see no issue here since you did consent while you were awake and you willingly participate each time.
Consensual somnophilia can be related to (but not necessarily is related to) another kink called, “Somnophilia Dormaphilia.” Surprisingly, the most recent studies found an unusually large percentage of couples who engage in somnophilia dormaphilia, like you guys are, where he wants to have sex with a sleeping women (somnophilia) who wants to be asleep (dormaphilia) while they’re having sex that she has consented to when she was awake. The difference is that the sleeping person, the dormaphilliac kink is that one of the highs is evidence that sex has taken place. Either waking up naked or with missing clothing or to a video of the experience.
These types of kinks are unusual and shocking for most people. Telling a friend who is not well versed in kink play with a limited knowledge, as most lay people would have, can be upsetting for them to hear. That’s why she had the reaction she did but it’s also why kinks are so private.