Hiking In Zion National Park (Safety Not Included)

This past holiday weekend, one of my good friends suggested we go for a hike in Zion National Park. The entire conversation went something like this:

Them: "Hey, let’s go chill with the trees and stuff."
Me: "OK"

Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have been so glib about it. I hadn’t really been outside in nature for years (unless we’re counting the pool parties at the Hard Rock). To say I wasn’t really prepared for what was to come would be a drastic understatement.

Throwing any rational fears out the window, I climbed on the bus to go to the Zion trail head. As it’s winding through what I assume are trees, with air conditioning blasting, I’m thinking “this isn’t so bad”. Even the guys behind me having an ego contest about who’s the best hiker is making me laugh – because let’s be honest, no matter how much Patagonia you’re wearing, it’s still just walking…. right?

Just about then, this pert 20-something year old, wearing her official ranger uniform, jumps up and pulls out a mic. Great! I’m thinking, we’ve got a DJ! But no. No killer jams. Just fear. And death. Our tour guide starts pointing out 150 ways to die and pairing them with trailheads, like some demented sommelier.

Zion Tour Guide: "This trail is known to host aggressive squirrels, DO NOT feed them."

Never mind that her eyes are glowing red at that moment and I’m having visions of killer gremlins. She goes on to tell us to be wary, particularly if they’re frothing at the mouth. I don’t know about you, but I generally give a wide berth to anything remotely that crazy (my ex not withstanding).

Needless to say, this was just the beginning. Goth Barbie had a lot to say during our trip. Basically, all disclaimers aside, nature truly does want to kill us.

Now, it used to be that you could drive through Utah’s Zion National Park, tunes blasting, windows down. But now you have to ride a tour bus – an air-conditioned flotilla with all the charm of your doctors waiting room (and twice as many disclaimers).

Zion Tour Guide: "This next stop is called the narrows because it’s a very thin canyon."

Me (thinking to myself): "Well that sounds nice".

Zion Tour Guide: "If a rainstorm comes up suddenly, climb the sides, do whatever you can to get to high ground, as a flash flood can result in death."

HUH?? I look down at my Shrek PJ pants and slip-on Vans I wore to work this morning and think to myself – "is this really the corpse I want to leave behind?" I tell my friend that trail is a definite “pass” because, let’s face it, as DJs that sit on our ass every day neither of us can either a) run or b) climb.

We agree to wait for the next one.

Zion Tour Guide: "If you plan to disembark at this trailhead, please be cautious of the tarantulas."

Me (to my friend): "What did she just say?"

Zion Tour Guide: "…particularly if the tarantula points his butt at you".

Me: Wait. What?? Why?? OMG, what is this fresh hell??

Zion Tour Guide: "When threatened, a tarantula will rub his legs on his abdomen and sharp hairs, and then fire darts from his ass".

At this point, I’ve tuned out. My head is screaming: "OMG DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I WANT TO WALK AROUND LOOKING FOR SPIDER ASS TO EXPLODE DARTS INTO MY EYES?? THIS IS FUN TO YOU??"

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I look back at the Patagonia crowd. They’re all nodding sagely, gathering their gear to go off and play with these death-farting arachnids. Now I know why they think hiking is a sport – this is like NASCAR... if the cars were allowed to drive themselves and they hated humans.

At this point, I’m done. This is not happening. Thank you so much for the bus ride, but let’s get the hell out of here, find a nice dive restaurant between here and Vegas, and catch salmonella - or run into a meth dealing motorcycle gang – both perfectly acceptable risks when you live in the state of Nevada.

When people think about America's famous national parks, usually the same list of names will come up. Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Grand Canyon are undoubtedly on the top of that list. Even more locally for us in the Las Vegas area, we'd probably mention Bryce Canyon or Zion before talking about Death Valley. But this national park on the eastern California border is in a world of its own. It's a place that combines history, record-breaking topography, incredible views, and even a bit of mystery.

When we do talk about this national park, there's plenty to say. Many enjoy the tales of the disappearing lake that happens after a big storm. Or the rocks that have minds of their own. Death Valley has also made a name for its extremes. Not only the temperatures in the summer, but the depth of the area. According to the National Park Service, Death Valley's Badwater Basin is the lowest point in North America, at 282 feet below sea level.

While Death Valley is not the most popular of the national parks, it is one of the largest. According to nationalparks.org, Death Valley covers 3.4 million acres, making it the fifth largest national park in the country. It is over 1 million acres larger than Yellowstone and over 2 million acres larger than Grand Canyon. The park is 140 miles long and lies mostly in California. But a small portion does overlap the state line and reach into the Bullfrog Hills in Nevada.

But the size is not the most impressive thing about Death Valley. Actually, it would be difficult to narrow down what is. Though many people would agree it is the night sky. Once the sun sets, the lack of light pollution makes the sky in Death Valley so dark, that some objects are visible that can't be seen anywhere else in the world, according to nps.org. Including the International Space Station.

Death Valley is one of only eight places in the country where you can see the Milky Way with the naked eye. Which makes the park a very popular place for campers. Of course, summer months are not an ideal time to visit the park, which, according to nationalparks.org, is the hottest and driest national park in the country. Summer temperatures in the park typically reach a high of 120 in the shade, nps.gov reports. Though they recorded the hottest temperature in 1913, when the heat climbed up to 134 degrees.

May is a very popular month for visitors in the park. Even though temperatures have already gotten to 100 degrees typically by this time, Star Wars fans flock to the area for May the Fourth. Specifically to take the self-driving Star Wars tour of the areas where two of the famous movies in the franchise were filmed.

Historians of all kinds also visit to see glimpses of what was once a thriving mining community. Death Valley's mining history goes back to about the 1850's. Minerals of all kinds were found in the California hills, according to nationalparks.org. Including gold, silver, copper, tungsten, lead, zinc, antimony, and borax. The mining communities include Harmony Borax Works, Keane Wonder Mine and the popular town of Rhyolite.

Even without all the mining and movie history, Death Valley has so much to see. In addition to the disappearing lake and mysterious moving rocks, there's an extinct volcano, ghost towns and much more. Here are just a few of the amazing sites you would see if you visited.

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