Maybe You’re Just Not Built For Relationships
Q: Sebastian asked Dr. Cooper of The Cooper and Anthony Show if there’s a way he can stop his pattern of only having brief relationships. His pattern is, he finds someone he can “tolerate” and then gets bored and dumps them for stupid reasons. Or, he gets dumped first. He wants to know why he can’t maintain a relationship for any significant length of time.
A: Relationships are about learning to like someone and embracing their quirks. You are likely picking the wrong women. Or, perhaps you’re just not built for relationships. Not everyone finds staying with the same partner for extended lengths of time to be fulfilling. And that’s okay.
I, as a psychologist, completely reject the idea that there’s “someone for everyone,” and that the goal of any pairing is a long term relationship. You may be one of those people, for whatever reason, who gets turned off by intimacy. Your libido wanes once it all gets too real.
BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE INTO RELATIONSHIPS?
However, if you want to have a relationship—and by no means am I urging you to, but if that’s your desire that’s fine—then here’s my advice:
If you’re bored in a relationship, the person you’re choosing isn’t a good match for you. You’re choosing “safe” women and the reason you’re doing that is that an exciting woman with a lot going on who doesn’t need you makes you feel insecure. So you choose someone unchallenging and then wonder why you’re bored. It’s because she represents your failure to pick a better partner. It’s not her fault, she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s your fault for allowing the relationship to get past the first date when you knew immediately she wasn’t for you.
Part of this is more than just your insecurity and that being with a challenging, exciting woman is more than you can handle. It’s also about your attachment style. That’s developed early on and it’s based on how your parents interacted with you growing up. If your parents were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent with their affection, you may have developed an insecure attachment style. And that dictates who you choose and why you choose them.
IT’S OKAY TO BE GAMOPHOBIC
Pop culture will call you a commitment-phobe (clinically known as “gamophobia“), but that’s cruel and inaccurate. Men who are afraid of commitment aren’t necessarily asshats. They’re men who have trouble feeling safe and secure in relationships and consequently pick women they’re not into and then stick around until they can’t stand it anymore
You are going to need to be more vulnerable in your relationships and share waaaay more—don’t keep it superficial. A healthy relationship is one where you respect and support each other and share your feelings. If you meet a woman you can’t do that with, move on. Don’t stick around until you’re bored. That’s not fair to her.
