Kink Incompatible? You Need These 7 Tips Now!
Q: Adrienne’s husband is an exhibitionist and even though she’s not into it, she does it with him anyway. She likes BDSM but her husband is disgusted by it and -thus-not into it. In fact, he won’t even talk about it. She asked our Dr. Cooper of The Cooper and Anthony Show, how to make their incompatible kinks work?
A: Kink incompatibilities are entirely normal at the beginning of relationships. Not everyone is kink-matched because most people are not kinky so they’re willing to get into whatever their partner is into. But what happens when you have a kink and your spouse has a kink and they’re incompatible?
Well, in long-term relationships, it’s more problematic. Like most challenges with anything sexual, the best place to start is talking. Ask your partner how important kink is in your lives? Do you guys indulge once a week? Once a month? Whenever the mood hits you? That matters too. It’s easier to compromise if it’s not essential.
If your spouse won’t even indulge you and still judges you for what you like, you may start to resent them and that will bleed into other aspects of your life. If you can’t reach a compromise, you may need to start thinking about getting your needs met elsewhere. If you can’t resolve it yourselves there are many sex positive therapists out there who can help
Handling kink incompatibility in a relationship can be challenging but is essential for maintaining open communication and a healthy dynamic. Ok, I said to “talk” here are some guidelines to keep it civil and productive:
Communication: Open and honest communication is key. Initiate a conversation about your desires and boundaries regarding kinks. Be respectful and non-judgmental, creating a safe space for both partners to express themselves without fear of criticism.
Identify core values: Discuss the importance of kinks in your relationship and determine if they are central to your sexual satisfaction or if they can be negotiated. Understanding each other’s needs and limits is crucial to finding common ground.
Compromise: If there are differences in kink preferences, try to find areas where compromise is possible. This may involve exploring new activities or finding alternative ways to satisfy each other’s needs. Remember that compromise should be a mutual decision and not something forced upon one partner.
Respect boundaries: It’s essential to respect each other’s boundaries and not pressure or guilt-trip a partner into engaging in kinks they are uncomfortable with. Consent is crucial in any sexual activity.
Seek professional help: If the differences seem insurmountable, consider seeking guidance from a sex positive therapist who specializes in relationship and sexual issues. They can help facilitate productive conversations and provide guidance on how to navigate the situation.
Explore outside the relationship: If both partners are open to it, exploring certain kinks individually or with other consenting partners might be an option. However, this approach requires extensive communication, trust, and respect for agreed-upon boundaries.
Reevaluate the relationship: If kink incompatibility is a fundamental aspect of your relationship and cannot be resolved, it may be necessary to reassess whether the relationship can thrive in the long term. Sometimes, people’s sexual compatibility can be a significant factor in the overall satisfaction of a relationship.
If you have a kinky question for Dr. Cooper 888-460-6002