Are You Having A Deja Screw?
Q: Ben is dating someone he’s into. But he just realized he banged her four years ago. She doesn’t remember either. It was a drunken one night stand, he never called, she didn’t give him her number anyway…it was no biggie. Cut to four years later, he meets a woman at a party, the relationship is starting off great but the first time he went to her apartment he realized he’d been there before. Then he went to her bedroom and remembered the whole encounter. Should he say something and what are some ways to make this less weird?
A: Dr. Cooper of The Cooper and Anthony Show had this advice: If you like her and you think this relationship has potential you MUST say something. Get this awkwardness out of the way because you do not want this hanging over your head. Everyone has a sexual past, the fact that she was part of yours and you were part of hers just means there was always a super hot attraction between you, even when you were both in a non-relationship place. There’s no shame in this game.
Discovering that you’re dating someone you’ve previously had a one night stand with, especially if they don’t remember it, can be surprising and potentially awkward so you want to get past it ASAP. Here are FOUR steps you can consider taking to address it with her:
- Think before you speak: Take some time to understand your own emotions and thoughts about the situation. Are you comfortable continuing the relationship? If so, does how the previous relationship ended impact your current feelings? Reflecting on these questions to help you approach the situation with clarity.
- Assess the significance: Consider the significance of the past relationship and whether it should affect your current one. If it was a ONS it should just be a funny anecdote, not a deal breaker. Was the previous experience positive, negative, or neutral? Is it likely to impact your current dynamics?
- Tell her: Find an appropriate time and place to have a conversation with your partner. Be honest and transparent about the situation. You can gently remind them of your past connection and ask if they remember it. If they don’t, you should disclose the details and play it down. If she doesn’t remember then it’s a non-issue. If she does remember, guess what? Still a non-issue.
- Share your perspective: If your partner doesn’t remember the past relationship, calmly share your own recollection of it. Avoid blaming or accusing them for forgetting, as memory lapses are common. Instead, focus on sharing how you feel about the situation and what it means for you.
