BDSM Or Just Messing With Your Mind: How To Tell The Difference
Q: We had a pretty serious question from Margaret on The Cooper and Anthony Show. She started by asking about “kinky stuff” like the usual BDSM sub/dom tying up kind of thing. But then we heard how their kink play wasn’t kink play at all. Instead, it ended up becoming emotionally abusive. Margaret is in a new healthy relationship but was worried that if she lets her kink flag fly, it will ruin her relationship again like last time and turn abusive instead of kinky. She asked our Dr. Cooper what to do?
A: Margaret, this is exactly why I tell people all the time that you can’t just jump into a BDSM relationship and start tying each other up and doing whatever without a conversation and without a plan. You were not in a healthy sub/dom BDSM relationship. You were in an abusive relationship where he used kinky sex to abuse you and frame it as sexual so that he could get away with it. That is not even close and not at ALL what the community is about.
WHAT IS THE BDSM COMMUNITY ABOUT?
First of all, the BDSM community is one of the most adherent to consent and boundaries than any other because of how many things could go wrong both physically and emotionally. The rates of accidents and injuries during BDSM are documented and even the most experienced kinksters can get hurt.
You need to discuss ahead of time what is and is not ok, what level of pain if any and where your boundaries are. This is why safe words are also essential. They mean “stop” (but don’t use “stop” because some people think you might not mean it as it can be part of the kink play). This is why words like “banana” and ‘aardvark” are better. Something you would definitely not say during sex.
WHAT DOES GOOD BDSM PRACTICE LOOK LIKE?
A healthy BDSM relationship looks like this, for example:
“Can we try paddling?”
“Yes.’
“How hard? Like this or like that.”
‘That. Yes, that’s Ok.”
And then as you do it during sex, you check in, you ask, is this ok, do you like this?
AFTERCARE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY BDSM ENCOUNTER
I always stress this, AFTER CARE is literally the MOST important part of any kink situation. Especially ones with name calling and humiliation. You don’t want to leave your partner feeling like “ugh, does he really think I’m trash?” So, the after care usually includes undoing all of that with pillow talk, a bath, some ritual you guys come up with…whatever works. Just something to get you back to neutral.
You didn’t do that. You were not in a healthy BDSM relationship, and I would argue you were not in a BDSM relationship at all. Talk to your new guy about what you want, your boundaries, your limits and what your aftercare will look like. Start slow so you feel comfortable. Good luck and let us know how it went!
Do you have a question for Dr. Cooper? 888-460-6002
